When is the right time to move forward after a bereavement

When should I clear out their personal belongings? When should I start a new relationship? When is it okay to enjoy myself again? When should I plan a holiday?

Are you asking yourself these questions, and have you asked other people for the answers? I suspect everyone you ask will have a different answer. The only person that really knows the answer to these questions is you.

Moving forward after a bereavement is a very personal choice that shouldn’t be dictated to you by anyone else.

Everyone grieves differently and it will very much depend on the circumstances of the bereavement and your personal circumstances.

A doctor, Elizabeth Kubler-Ross has developed the Kubler-Ross cycle, which identifies 5 stages of grief – denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.

Everyone spends different amounts of time in each stage, and not necessarily experiencing them all. You can also flip flop between stages. As Kubler-Ross says, “reactions to grief are as individual as a fingerprint”.

After my bereavement, my first thought was that if I moved on too soon, it meant I had forgotten about my husband and people would judge me. The question I was asked, that made me stop and think was “Okay so what does too soon mean to you?”. I’d not thought about this before as I was more concerned about what other people thought was ‘too soon’. Ask yourself the same question. Does it feel right for you? If it does feel right and you are ready, it doesn’t matter what everyone else thinks. Just make sure you have grieved in the right way and for the right amount of time, for you.

You may get negative responses from others if you are ready to move on but they are not. Just remember that grief takes many forms and varies for different people. They may not have got the same point as you in the Kubler-Ross Cycle. Don’t feel guilty about where you are in your grief journey.

The hardest part for me was moving on to another relationship. I have experienced both divorce and bereavement and they are totally different types of loss. Unlike in most divorce scenarios, when a partner dies, there is still a lot of love and positive emotions linked to that person. That love doesn’t die when the person does so the concept of moving on to love or even be attracted to someone else as well was very confusing for me. It took a long time for me to get my head around this. I very nearly bailed on my new relationship a number of times as I was really struggling with it. I’m so glad I didn’t as we are now happily married!

My top tips to consider when you are questioning whether it is time to take a step forward are –

1) Consider how you will feel if you take this step forward?

2) What impact will it have on your life?

3) What will other’s reactions be and how will you feel about those reactions?

4) How will you feel if you don’t that this step forward?

5) What impact will it have on you and others if you don’t take this step forward?

6) What are the benefits of taking this step forward?

My final, and most important, tip is

Do what feels right for you. If it feels right it is right!’