Conflicting emotions after a bereavement
There are a huge range of emotions that you need to deal with following a bereavement and these will differ depending on the circumstances.
It will depend on the nature of the bereavement. Was there a long illness or was it sudden, giving no time to prepare or say goodbye?
It will also depend on the family set up. Are there young children involved, was it a long marriage/partnership, how much family is close by?
One thing is certain, grief will be the overriding emotion felt following a bereavement. Grief takes many forms and everyone feels it in different ways. There is no right or wrong way. Everyone is different but it’s very common for people to assume everyone will experience the stages of grief in the same way or at the same time.
The Kubler-Ross model identifies five stages of grief – denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. Most people are familiar with these stages, but the amount of time spent in each stage will vary and not everyone will experience all of the stages.
The model has been adapted to incorporate another stage which is guilt. This could be survivor guilt; if you survived the event that claimed the life of your partner. It may also be the guilt that you should have done more to prevent their passing. For example ‘if only I’d contacted the doctor sooner’ or ‘why didn’t I make sure they were okay’. My personal experience of guilt related to the relief I felt.
Relief is an emotion not often talked about in relation to a bereavement. Relief often occurs if someone had been suffering from a long illness. Watching someone you love in pain is incredibly hard so it is a relief to know that they are no longer suffering. It can also be relief for the person caring for their partner, particularly if this care had been very demanding, both physically and emotionally. A lot of people become carers for their partners during a terminal illness and put their lives on hold to ensure they can give the care that’s needed. Even though it is given willingly and with love, it is normal to feel a sense of relief when this type of care is at an end.
It’s very difficult to decide when to move on after a bereavement. When is the right time to clear out their personal belongings, when should you go on holiday on your own for the first time, should you have a party for your birthday even though it’s only a few months after your loss and of course the biggest one is when to move on to a new relationship? I was worried that if I moved on people would think I was no longer grieving and had forgotten all about my husband. Clearly that is not the case at all. When to move on should be when it feels right for you and it certainly doesn’t mean you have forgotten your partner.
Grief takes many forms. You can flip flop from one stage to the next. It could take a few months for you to be ready to move on or could take a few years. The key thing to remember is it needs to be right for you and not what everyone expects of you. Speaking to someone impartial, such as a grief counsellor can really help work through these emotions. It’s not weak to talk to someone. Once you are able to understand and work through your conflicting emotions you will find it much easier to know when you are ready to move forwards and make the decisions needed.
